I'm back. I was in the hospital.

[Jimenem]

I wish I coud be more comforting.

[quirky]

It has occurred to me that maybe my mom got brain damage on purpose.

But that's really unfair.

However there is a promise in the Bible that everyone will be restored in Heaven, so maybe SOMEDAY we can have a conversation about it.

I should be really angry with God, but I'm not. God should however, know that I have a strong will and I get really PO'd when I sit praying for answers and don't get them. It's not that I'm impatient. It's that I'm REALLY impatient.

I would also like to have a conversation with God about the fact that I went to Lutheran camp as a child and got molested in the swimming pool at the age of ten by the son of the guy who ran the camp. I ran back to the cabin and started puking in the bathroom. My friend Marla knew something was wrong and came after me. Together....and in between puking, she and I told the camp counselor and NOTHING HAPPENED.

That was a wonderful concrete message to someone who was already being abused that there's no use telling anyone about it, because they're not going to help you anyway.

[fluffy]

Quirky, you've had a really lousy start in life ...and i know there's precious little i can say to ease the pain,....................but you've gotta hang in there.....the meds won't kick in fully for about 4-6 weeks.......then it will get better..............you have to trust in that............
Until then just keep going..........you have my e-mail and Msn..........i'm here for you babe if you need to howl at some-one...........

take care JIll

nicky

[quirky]

It hasn't been a bad life.

I lived in Europe for 7 years.

I went to an international school and met lots of cool people.

I've done more than most people my age, but I've also LOST more than most people my age. My Dad's aunt and uncle came to visit us in Belgium, then died a year later in a plane crash. Some other cousins who were really fun and good family friends were killed in a car accident. My mom got brain damage, my dad died, then I moved to Illinois and my uncle died suddenly. Then my cousin Gene died of lung cancer.

It just BITES. And now this! You'd think I'd get a BREAK, but I'm going through the worst thing I've ever been through in my life and I've already been through a whole world of pain.

I'm like a friggin Tolstoy novel.

[Clemmy]

Quirky,

This is easier said than done ... but hang in there, girl, and think about the good things you've been through and sort out somethings in the present, maybe get into terms with your mom... I am no psychologist, therapist, or counselor... I am just someone who would like to help you...

There is an exercise that I particularly find helpful in getting anger out of my system: writing down what goes in my mind at that very moment -- which most of the time relates to somebody else, such as family members, boyfriend, etc. I can get angry and emotional during the process, but very much relieved afterwards... I do destroy or burn the "letters" at the end, when I feel better about the situation. Then, I pray, read a psalm, and engage in something else... it has helped.

I have wrote a couple of these so-called letters to my mom... mother-daugther relationship is complex, with bonds that influence our physical, mental and emotional health... but, I have grown to appreciate my mom even more...she had a rough childhood...

I am learning to forgive, and this might be something that you might want to consider, but in the way that Dr. Christiane Northrup puts it:

"Forgiveness does not mean that what happened was okay. It simply means that we are no longer willing to allow that experience to adversely affect our lives. Forgiveness is something we do, ultimately, for ourselves."

[quirky]

I have no choice BUT to forgive....but I think that part of my problem is that I do it so quickly and easily. And then when you get rehurt, it kind of compounds things and makes you feel like an idiot.

My concern now is that I cannot seem to retrieve my sense of humor. It has always been my best friend and I think it's been deflated. I don't even have the energy to cry.

I'm hanging in there, but it's really hard.

[fluffy]

The drugs will strip you of your ability to feel............they will make you feel bland............and that can be upsetting too..............did no-one explain that??....................
i used to work in a pschiatric unit and the kids and their parents needed heaps of support in the initial few weeks after diagnosis....before the drugs really kicked in........ are you getting practical help?.............you can't do it on your own..............

fluffy

[Clemmy]

It's very recent though and you need some time to heal... Do not think about the past anymore... think about the present and take one step at a time. Sometimes we forgive but not forget, and then it compounds and we get hurt... I know what you mean...

hey... do not forget that we are here... whenever you need!

[mav]

quirky, I know there was no suggestion I could make(of what worked for me) that would help you.

I wish I knew what could help you, quirky. I wish you could cry and rid of all the issues.
I know you are strong, but you need to let go of the past and hurts.... (though I have no idea how).

You said you're tired. I wish you would not think or do anything, give yourself time.... meditate, chant(clemmy's 'im a worthwhile person' is good one, im sometimes at it the whole day, yep) ....just stop the thoughts.

I wish the miracle of true love happens for you. But even if it doesn't you are strong enough to walk this life. Don't let this time of confusion make you act harshly. Give it time and it'll one day only be a memory.
-

[Jimenem]

I'm so sad to hear about your situation quirky, but what saddens me more is that, I have no idea how to help you, I think the only person that does, is you, You have to make a decision to want to be helped, if you haven't already. Thats the first step toward the healing process. If you're still holding on to your longing for death (Which I don't think you are), Then everyone here is just wasting their breath. Please feel better quirky, Sometimes it helps to just remove yourself (mentally) from the picture completely, For a while, and look at your situation from that perspective. I don't know just take care of yourself,

J.R.

[Janel]

We are listening, Quirky--anything you want to say will be heard. We probably won't understand everything but it's good for you to write your feelings out--I don't think it is unrealistic to believe that JCO forum can be a small part of your healing process......it has been part of mine!!!

There has been some really good advice about depression and medication listed here...take it in a little at a time. You are loved, girl.

My sense of humor disappeared for awhile too--it is just a friend that is giving you some space. It WILL return--don't pine for it....it is part of who you are and will return when the time is right. Humor can be a way of avoiding issues--if it is around during times of pain, it can cause cynicism or will give you a way to avoid what you need to be dealing with, almost like a pain-killer! Which is GOOD, usually!!! Just not right now, apparently......give it time......

[Filomena]

Humour is tricky, but it works for me.

Sometimes, the more serious the situation, the more hilarity I see in it.

It really depends. Whenever my husband says something stupid, I say, "Honey, I"m not laughing with you. I'm laughing at you."

[quirky]

The thoughts *do* help. I kind of feel like deep down I know all of this, but the situation makes me powerless to feel any energy about it. I'm kind of aimless and I've never been aimless before.

Speaking of humor. Each day in the hospital the nurse would come in and ask if I was suicical or passively suicidal.

One day this particularly nice nurse came in and said, "Are you feeling suicidal?"

"Nope."

"Are you feeling passively suicidal."

"I smoke."

And she started laughing. Then she said, "Well....I do, too."

And I said, "And yet, you get to walk out of here tonight."

Is that really THAT funny? I was totally serious.

[Jimenem]

That was a clever answer. sad, but at the same time, funny, and clever.

[quirky]

Pathos.

The nurse Wratchet figure took my headband away two days after I was in. I said, "What the hell?"

She said, "I have to take this because you could hurt yourself with it."

I said, "And you JUST NOTICED it?"

So, then I had to have my hair hanging in my face constantly and that really annoys me. And I looked like a Yeti because I am blonde.

So then I said I was boycotting group until I got my headband back. Mild Jack Nicholson moment.

When she finally returned my headband I said, "For five days I have had a glass mayonnaise jar full of hair conditioner in the bathroom shower. I could have shattered it and done some cutting DAYS ago."