Funny One-liners

[Jimenem]

Anyone know any funny one liners that you could drop in the middle of a conversation, and either get laughs or totaly throw people off???

ex:
There are three kinds of people in the world: Those who can count and those who can't.

59% of statistics are made up on the spot.

If at first you don't succede skydiving isn't for you.

For sale: Used parachute, Never opened, Small stain.

[mav]

A lie can travel half-way around the world while the truth is putting on its shoes
- Mark Twain

[carreyd away]

Back when I used to smoke, it drove me crazy when people I didn't know would try to get a cigarette from me. I'm sure if they asked politely and said, "Please may I have one of your cigarettes?" I would oblige but....

They'd say, "Can I borrow a smoke?" and I'd say, "No, because I don't want it back when you're done." It confused them and they'd walk away.

The other question was, "Got an extra cigarette?" and I'd look into the pack and say, "Nope, looks like it came with 20."

I am such a smart ass.

[lammy]

If it walks like a duck, looks like a duck and talks like one too-then it is a duck!

[quirky]

Back when I used to smoke, it drove me crazy when people I didn't know would try to get a cigarette from me. I'm sure if they asked politely and said, "Please may I have one of your cigarettes?" I would oblige but....

They'd say, "Can I borrow a smoke?" and I'd say, "No, because I don't want it back when you're done." It confused them and they'd walk away.

The other question was, "Got an extra cigarette?" and I'd look into the pack and say, "Nope, looks like it came with 20."

I am such a smart ass.

Hm...maybe I shouldn't quit smoking...I want to use these.

[lammy]

If it walks like a duck, looks like a duck and talks like one too-then it is a duck!

[quirky]

Look Lammy, you made a quirky sandwich!

[mav]

quirky - You give me laughing fits everyday! LOL

hmmm....I could never carry a punchline.
When overworked I would say "I'm hardly working", but colleagues took it seriously, so I stopped.
-

[quirky]

Back when I used to smoke, it drove me crazy when people I didn't know would try to get a cigarette from me.

Did this happen in California? I'm kind of shocked. When I was there, I couldn't escape the menacing looks of the cigarette mafia. I think I could have probably recited erotica audibly on the street and gotten less notice. I was standing NEXT to an ashtray in Ventura and some guy walked by waving his hand dramatically and loudly saying, "I enjoy a cigar every now and then...but that's at home! I'd NEVER smoke in PUBLIC!"

And you know...I just stood there looking off the in the other direction puffing away. But I was thinking, "Yeah...a cigar snuck in private...that's SO much better...I wonder if he thinks this ASHTRAY I'm standing next to is a piece of modern art exterior sculpture or something. I'll have to go right home and embroider a scarlet S on my shirt."

[mav]

quirky - Can I borrow a smoke? Infact, do you have extra 20 cigarettes?
(I'm researching on 'Instant nicotine coffee' and don't want to spend too much)

Speaking of funny, one colleague would go up to anyone, say, Mike, and say "Mike, no matter what John says, I know you are a nice guy", within earshot of John. I just found it funny everytime.

[quirky]

quirky - Can I borrow a smoke? Infact, do you have extra 20 cigarettes?

No...because I don't want them back after you're done.

Ahhh....that felt good. I'm on a slow taper now. I get 4 a day.

I remember in college...there was always ONE person who was trying to quit...so they'd never have cigarettes on them...and they were constantly bumming off everyone else. So the smokers would see them coming and say, "Quick, hide your smokes...here comes Sally and she's trying to quit."

[wonderbunny]

Gee, you wouldn't be suffering from Muchausen by Proxy, because Mom, your killing me!

Tee Hee Hee (Mom has to have a sense of humor for this one)

[lammy]

Look Lammy, you made a quirky sandwich!

Nope-that wasn't me....I didn't post 2 times!

[quirky]

Maybe it's spammy.

[Jimenem]

"Daddy, Why won't this magnet pick up this floppy disc?"