Funny One-liners

[Jimenem]

Did you know that 72% of the nations population can't read?????
Yeah, and the othe 46% can't even do math!




This is a good one to break the ice and start a conversation with a total stranger!

[Shadow Mancer]

You do know that Rene Descartes was terribly afraid of horses, right?
Never put Descartes before the horse!

Sorry. Boo me now. BAD joke I learned from my math teacher.

SHADOW MANCER

[Janel]

My dad always had silly one-liners---the kind that made my sister and I groan and then he would laugh at us.....

When paying for our finished meal at a restaurant and the cashier or waitress would say, "Did you enjoy your meal?" My dad would reply, "Yes the meal was wonderful, but it completely RUINED my appetite....."

Or a stranger would comment on my sister and I being great looking kids and my dad would reply, "Well, they got all their good looks from their mother......'cause I've still got MINE!"

And still to this day when I call my parents' house and daddy answers the phone I'll say, "Hey is mom around?" And he'll say, "yeah....is that all ya needed to know?" SIGH....

He used to point at the sign next to the road that warned drivers of a "DIP" in the road and say, "Hey look, they made a sign with your name on it!"

Silly daddy....

[Janel]

My fav thing to do though is to throw people off that are totally in their own worlds---especially if they look as if they are having a not so great day.

I was at Burger King a couple of months ago and was waiting for my order to come up. When a bag was placed on the counter that I knew wasn't mine, I reached for it real quick at the same time a big rough looking guy with tatoos all over reached for it.....the look on his face was priceless because there is an immediate reaction of , Hey, that's MINE, to, oh....she's teasing me and then a wash of laughter across the face that had looked so withdrawn just seconds before....

.....I also love being at a crowded counter getting your drink, ketchup, sugar, straw or whatever and someone next to you says, "Excuse me, please" and is asking to reach across you......I always say, "Umm--nno I don't think so..."and then look in their eyes, grinning, and wait for that same registration of..."Hey, that is SOOO rude, oh, she's teasing me", and the smile playing on the face that had been tight and distracted.....
But I had my own game played on me the other day.....I was the one reaching across saying "Excuse me" and the guy said, "Umm, No." I looked up, he was laughing and I said, "Oh, don't make me whoop you..." It is nice sharing laughter with a complete stranger!!

Silly stuff, I guess, but it is fun and the best part of it is that it embarrasses my kids when they are with me!! Hey, MY dad did it to me, it is only right that the tradition continues....

[Janel]

Another one from my dad......he liked to introduce my mom as his "first wife". Of course, she's his ONLY wife and they have been married for 41 years.....that one never failed to get a lopsided grin....

[Jimenem]

Those are Great Janel!! My dad is the exact same way!! Like one time we were calling each other names (all in good fun). And After he called me ugly or sumthin' (i don't quite remember) I replied with "The apple doesn't fall far from the tree" and he said. . . ."Don't you talk about your mother like that!" LOL it cracked me UP!!!

Maybe you had to be there.

[wonderbunny]

I'm happy as a pig in poo!

[carreyd away]

My favorite line I stole from Bill Cosby:

While in a crowded elevator, I turned to the guy who was crammed up next to me and said, "I'm sorry, but are my ribs hurting your elbow?"

[Janel]

good one, carreyed away!!!

And no, I didn't have to be there, jimenem....all I have to do is pick several memories from my childhood and Voila!!!
I'm laughing out loud!! I'm sure our dads would get along just fine!