best jokes.................

[fluffy]

what's the funniest joke you've ever heard..........??

Fluffy

[lammy]

I'm not really a joke teller and when I hear one I don't memorize it cause I suck at Jokes!

But please tell one?

[cotton]

An elderly couple go to their doctor for a checkup. The man goes in first. "How're you doing?" asks the doctor. "Pretty good," answers the old man. "I'm eating well, and I'm still in control of my bowels and bladder. In fact, when I get up at night to pee, the good Lord turns the light on for me."

The doctor decides not to comment on that last statement, and goes into the next room to check on the man's wife. "How're you feeling?" he asks. "I'm doing well," answers the old woman. "I still have lots of energy and I'm not feeling any pain." The doctor says, "That's nice. It sounds like you and your husband are both doing well.

One thing though - your husband said that when he gets up to pee at night, the good Lord turns the light on for him. Do you have any idea what he means?" "Oh No," says the woman, "He's peeing in the refrigerator again."

[cotton]

Two Canadian guys, Mike and Rob were on the roof, laying tile, when a sudden gust of wind came and knocked down their ladder.
"I have an idea," said Mike. "We'll throw you down, and then you can pick up the ladder."

"What, do you think I'm stupid? I have an idea. I'll shine my flashlight, and you can climb down on the beam of light."

"What, do you think I'm stupid? You'll just turn off the flashlight when I'm halfway there."
___________________________________________________________

Shaggy,Shania Twain, and Britney Spears go in a limo to a restaurant. Someone farts and Shaggy says,"Wasn''t me!".
Shania Twain says," That don''t impress me much."

Britney Spears says,"Oops, I did it again."

The next day they go in a limo to a bar and someone farts. Shaggy says," Wasn''t me!".

Shania Twain says," That don''t impress me much."

Britney Spears says," Stronger than yesterday."

___________________________________________________________

60 Things Not to Say to a Naked Guy

1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahh, it's cute.
3. Who circumcised you?
4. Why don't we just cuddle?
5. You know they have surgery to fix that.
6. It's more fun to look at.
7. Make it dance.
8. You know, there's a tower in Italy like that.
9. Can I paint a smiley face on that?
10. It looks like a night crawler.
11. Wow, and your feet are so big.
12. My last boyfriend was 4'' bigger.
13. It's ok, we'll work around it.
14. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim?
15. Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh.
16. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
17. Oh no, a flash headache.
18. (giggle and point)
19. Can I be honest with you?
20. My 8-year-old brother has one like that.
21. Let me go get my tweezers.
22. How sweet, you brought incense.
23. This explains your car.
24. You must be a growing boy.
25. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
26. Thanks, I needed a toothpick.
27. Are you one of those pygmies?
28. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?
29. Every heard of clearasil?
30. All right, a treasure hunt!
31. I didn't know they came that small.
32. Why is God punishing you?
33. At least this won't take long.
34. I never saw one like that before.
35. What do you call this?
36. But it still works, right?
37. Damn, I hate baby-sitting.
38. It looks so unused.
39. Do you take steroids?
40. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks it.
41. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
42. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
43. Oh, I didn't know you were in an accident.
44. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt?
45. Aww, it's hiding.
46. Are you cold?
47. If you get me real drunk first.
48. Is that an optical illusion?
49. What is that?
50. I'll go get the ketchup for your french fry.
51. Were you neutered?
52. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
53. Does it come with an air pump?
54. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
55. Where are the puppet strings?
56. Your big gun is more like a BB gun.
57. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes.
58. Never mind, why bother.
59. Is that a second belly button?
60. Where's the rest of it?

___________________________________________________________

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed by stupidity, here are some actual label instructions found on consumer goods:

On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping.

On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (The shoplifter special.)

On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap.

On a Swann frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost. (But it's just a suggestion.)

On Tesco's tiramisu dessert (printed on the bottom of box): Do not turn upside-down.

On Marks & Spencer bread pudding: Product will be hot after heating.

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not iron clothes on body.

On Boot's children's cough medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."

On Nytol sleep aid: Warning: May cause drowsiness.

On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (As opposed to what?)

On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used for the other use. (I gotta admit, I'm curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts."

On an American Airlines packet of peanuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."

On a child's Superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company, I blame the parents for this one.)

On a Swedish chain saw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."

[idle kid city]

those are hilarious cotton! i cant really top those, but I do have a small knock knock joke my clever little cousin made up..

knock knock
who's there?
i eat mop


...finish this one out loud...hehehe

[Janel]

One of my favs........

There were two statues in the middle of a very old city park. One female and the other male they brought elegance and beauty to the people of the city for many years. An angel was looking down from heaven one day and realized just how wonderful these two statues had been over the years and decided to fly down to earth to visit them and grant them a gift of their choosing.

He was excited to meet them and upon bringing them to life said, "You have 30 minutes to do whatever you choose before you must return to your real self." The statues looked at each other, giggled, grabbed each others hands and ran into the bushes. The angel smiled to himself as he heard rustling of leaves and twigs snapping and other such noises.

Soon, the two returned looking very pleased with themselves. The angel looked at his watch and, smiling, said, "You still have 15 more minutes...why don't you go back and have yourselves some more fun?" The boy statue looked at the girl statue who shyly looked back and grinned...."Wanna go back and do it again?", he asked. The girl statue replied, "Sure, but this time YOU hold the pigeon down cause it's MY turn to poop on its head!!!!!!"

[cotton]

lol

This one isn't a joke but it is funny

Phone Company Gives Something for Nothing

Dear Ann,

I think I can top the person who wrote complaining about the idiocy of the phone company. Talk about garbage in, garbage out!

When AT&T split with Bell, we had three phones in our house. The equipment belonged to Ma Bell and the service belonged to AT&T. After we returned all the phone equipment to Ma Bell, we received a bill for $0.00. A few weeks later, we received a check for $5 and a note thanking us. Several months later, we received another computerized bill for $0.00. We called again, got nowhere, so we sent another check for $0.00. A few weeks later we received another $5 refund with the same thank you.

This went on every three months for two years. Now we are down to once a year and have given up trying to straighten this out. We just cash the $5 and forget about it.

[Janel]

sorry fluffy--and after hearing how much you love birds!!! Couldn't resist, though--I love that joke!!

[cotton]

You might be a redneck if...

More than one living relative is named after a Southern Civil War general.

You think the stock market has a fence around it.

You think the O.J. trial was the big Sunkist and Minutemaid taste test.

You've ever lost a loved one to kudzu.

Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

Your front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs.

Your coffee table used to be a telephone cable spool.

You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

You've ever used a toilet seat as a picture frame.

Your home has more miles on it than your car.

How Rednecks Tell the Weather...

[fluffy]

sorry fluffy--and after hearing how much you love birds!!! Couldn't resist, though--I love that joke!!

i love it too!!! ....................

(I almost got arrested in Venice over a pigeon ....some Italian brats were trying to drown it........!!............but that's another story... )

fluffy

[quirky]

Love them!

Cotton: Did you see the instructions joke that said:

On an iron:

"Do not iron clothes while wearing."

You might be a redneck if:

The officer asks you for ID and you hand him your belt buckle.

(But I do have a soft spot in my heart for rednecks.)

[cotton]

lol
no but I do know the one "Do not use the blow dryer while taking a shower"lol

There is a comedian who does those instruction jokes all the time and he is hilarious. I can't remember his name right off hand tho. He does "stupid people sign" jokes too.