Heartbroken...

[quirky]

I was talking about this with Mav last night on the phone. I'm sick of being alone. I've always handled it, been independent, been employed, been strong....but now I'm sick of facing everything alone. I mean literally sick to my stomach with the pain of being just me.

[comicpisces11]

Janel-you go girl!

Life is all about each of our individual journeys...and we're lucky enough to cross the paths of some of those we've crossed paths with. We all learn a little each time we interact with someone, whether we have things in common with them or are blatently different.

When someone jumps into a new relationship straight after a serious one ended, they are trying to fill a gap in their lives, but what they don't realize is that they will continue to jump from person to person, family to family, not connecting with anyone-thus creating a bigger gap, until they learn to love themselves and see themselves for who they really are. That "gap" is loving yourself.

So, whoever he "hooks up with" is on her own little journey as well that takes her meeting him and not connecting, and on it goes.

[Jimenem]

Well, first of all Janel I have absoloutly No idea what you're going through, All I know is that the pain you are feeling must be unbearable, (I have had a little taste recently). I like that you keep your kids in mind, and that you don't allow yourself to break down in front of them. From what I gather you are a strong woman, who made a single mistake, in thinking that you could change a man, who you undoubtedly loved with all your heart, but heres that heartbreaking news, Alot of men (being male myself and seeing it in alot of my non-friends.) Use women to get what they want. Whether it's sex, self satifaction, someone to tell them they're all that, or someone to love them, It's a very selfish mechanism (alot of women use men the same way). And it's human nature. But the man your talking about was/is a jerk! you don't break a promise you made to the woman you loved, to go live another lie with another woman. (I'm not saying at all that he didn't love you at one point). It's all so irritating. The cycle that is love. What People don't understand is that A person will not Change!! A person cannot change, They can conform, but they won't change. And the key is to meet your 'spose/ counterpart half-way, and conform to eachother you can't expect one person to conform solely to the other. It won't work.

Just stay strong Janel, you have been added to my list of people to pray for, along with Quirky, and Lammy. God will always take care of you, just have faith. (I say that often, but it is sooooo true, Faith is everything!)

[Canadian Jayne]

I don't know from personal experience, just from what I observe.
My fiance and I were talking about this recently, oft times people will go a few weeks and then jump into a whole new relationship.
For us both it was years, we both concluded this is kinda unusual.
We have been going out for about 3 years and known each other for 4.
My first husband I knew 6 months then we were talking about marriage,
a few months after that we were engaged then a few months after that married. We knew each other a little over a year, although the marriage lasted about 15 years. I wish I had known him longer. Now I'm reaaaallly hesitant to get married, yet I feel committment is necessary to solidify the relationship.
Oh yes, I forgot, this is what I do, and have done when everything gets overwhelming...
I runnn, and run, or swim, and swim and swim, alot.
Until I'm so exhausted, I'm not angry anymore.
(Just remember, don't overdo it)
I would run down a country road, where people hardly ever travelled, then run back to the house. It just seems to extract every negative thing I was feeling.
Anyway that was my solution when everything would get so overwhelming.

[Canadian Jayne]

Watch out for those sharks since you're in California,
we just have to watch out for the Lampreys in the Great Lakes in Ontario.
Quriky, I can totally understand how you feel,
dejavu,
I beleive, socially we need people, even if you go to a movie, there are people around you, perhaps its the aura or something that recharges us (just a thought), everyone needs to be huggled at one time or another.
Consider yourself HUGGLED.
I know this is not enough, but know that we care, please!

[Janel]

[quote="comicpisces11"]When someone jumps into a new relationship straight after a serious one ended, they are trying to fill a gap in their lives, but what they don't realize is that they will continue to jump from person to person, family to family, not connecting with anyone-thus creating a bigger gap, until they learn to love themselves and see themselves for who they really are. That "gap" is loving yourself. /quote]

During one of our phone conversations, he told me that he liked who he was 16 years ago. He DOESN'T like himself anymore. I, on the other hand, see myself 16 years ago and think, "What a snob!! So stuck up and arrogant...what a BRAT! Who did I think I was?"

I LIKE who I am today. I would MUCH rather be me today than me 16 years ago! I think it is sad that my ex allowed the years to tear him down. I look back and see so much growth in my own character and I'm proud of that--the process has been difficult but so worth it.

[Canadian Jayne]

You are right
I actully liked myself better, 16 years ago than today,
I was more sure of myself, now I'm wavy like the ocean, I keep changing my mind.
BB says I'm PATHETIC.
I said"I don't mind being APATHETIC, but PATHETIC seems like more of an insult."
She always shoots from the hip and tells me like it is.
That's what friends are for.
It's good that you can still talk to your EX.
I just email, although he gave his email address to me recently, he doesn't reply.
I guess he just doesn't want to communicate and
I think that was the main break down in the relationship,

But if you like yourself now better, that's a good thing, that means that you are progressing.

[fluffy]

Life is all about each of our individual journeys...and we're lucky enough to cross the paths of some of those we've crossed paths with. We all learn a little each time we interact with someone, whether we have things in common with them or are blatently different.

It's all about personal growth and acceptance........we learn positives from those we admire and cautionary negatives from those we dislike.......

Relationships are about growth........your partner will be the one you can see yourself growing with..........
will you be able to grow with the hurdles and bumps to create a stronger bond...........or will indifference and apathy make it brittle enough to fracture at the slightest knock?..........

Loving yourself is simply accepting who and what you are ..........

it's saying 'sod it....'i am that i am'..............It's as simple as that.........
strip away the pretense and artifice and just be yourself.............

fluffy

[mav]

I don't trust myself with love. What if I run out of it ? Ain't I smart to place my bet on God

[fluffy]

but love changes as we grow...............it becomes more rounded and full, less urgent and sharp................
but none-the -less just as addictive and beautiful..........
if people accept that there will be a change then they can accept that they will need to change their expectations ...............
And shared life experiences strengthen the bond if people can accept they are part of the overall picture...........

och well, it's just my little opinion .............

fluffy

[quirky]

I've never been in love. I thought I was once, but I was being used. When I realized it, I felt like the dumbest individual on the face of the planet....because it was a cliche.

I have this immense capacity TO love...but I just haven't found the right person.

And the older I get, the more I lose hope.

[fluffy]

But it doesn't have to be a lover..............the heart has so much scope for loving ............family, friends, pets, yourself...............the wonder of life and of nature................
ok.........i know it sounds idealistic but it's true.............you are FAR TOO hard on yourself...........cut yourself some slack........you are a good, funny, kind person...........you deserve to be happy and you will be.....just give it time.............

fluffy

[Janel]

Hope I don't get in trouble for dragging up an old topic but here goes....!!!

Re-reading all the posts was wonderful--how sweet of you all to post such encouraging remarks!! I wanted to update briefly, if I may!

For months as I have prayed, I would get the phrase "Let him go" stuck in my heart. I would insist--but I AM, I HAVE, What else do I let go of?? And looking back, I see all the little steps that have led me slowly and safely away from the man I thought I would never stop loving. I can finally breathe and it is incredible! I care for the father of my children---but there are no more little strings that tug and tear at my heart. They are gone! I can physically FEEL the lift of the burden--I feel released and I truly never thought it would be possible. Is it true that time really does heal all?

The things you listed in your last post, Fluffy, are NOT idealistic!!! I have been living in the love of family, friends, PETS(!), life and the world around me----I AM good, funny and kind and I am really, really happy!!! My job blesses my socks off on a daily basis (ok, that was weird sounding, but it just DOES!!), my finances are in order for the first time in YEARS, my kids are happy, and I go to bed every night and snuggle in my big, fat down comforter with gorgeous white sheets that smell so clean and sweet, between the 2 dogs and life is just GOOD!

It has been a year and a half since he said he was "done with me"....in March, the divorce will be final. A new chapter, a new beginning, wonderful things ahead.....I have even discovered that I laugh differently!! With each outburst of laughter (on a daily basis! ), I feel a physical release inside my stomach---and it sounds different than I remember!

My prayer for each of you--to find contentment with who you are, where you are--and to know that you are loved, no matter where you've been.

[Janel]

In reviewing my last statement above it seemed trite and uncaring....it was not meant to trivialize ANYBODY'S current life situation---Quirky, I think of you often, some days I come on to JCO just to see how you are doing and what you are up to!!!--and all who post inside thoughts and feelings that are difficult. Please know I only mean to be encouraging! Time DOES heal---hang on---you can do it---your life is precious--broken hearts DO mend!

[comicpisces11]

I am so glad to hear of your happiness, Janel. What a joy to come on this messageboard and to hear such great news. You have been on my heart. Isn't getting "the giggles" fun when coming out of your shell?! Love to you, your kids and the pups. I wish you all the luck in the future!