Guys, I need your advice... Please?

[thecablegal]

I have a friend who I repeatedly fall out with because of their inconsiderate nature. We had a really bad fall out last week over the way I was being treated. This person only meets with me when they're not busy meeting up with someone else. This makes me feel used.
I just don't know what to do. I don't know whether to tell them to get lost or not. What would you do?

Also, this person's partner (or ex partner, I have NO idea) - we don't get on. This is due to their not wanting to get to know me. I received a text from them a few weeks ago, asking if we could be friends, but I said no. If they'd have made the effort in the first place, I'd have been ok with it, but they caused a LOT of upset and fights, and I can't ever forgive them for that.

If my friend stays with this person long term, I know that our friendship won't work, as this person is torn between the two of us, and I'm always going to come second, but part of me misses them when we don't talk...

Please help guys!!!

P.S. I wish to keep these people anonymous, hence the nature of my writing. (No he's and she's, etc) Please, if you know who I'm talking about, don't use their names on here!

[Filomena]

I'd take this opportunity to think about why I'm friends with this person.

When you're with this person, do you have fun? Do you have things in common? Do you act naturally in front of this person, or do you find yourself pretending to be someone you're not?

Normally, we're attracted to people to whom we can relate to. But sometimes, what worked in the beginning doesn't work anymore. I used to be friends with someone since grade 7, but we would fight on and off during this relationship.

We used to laugh and have good times together, but as we got older, I found myself not being my natural self around her. And then we had a HUGE email fight, and we haven't talked in 5 years.

I look at my own experience as something that was bound to happen. We just grew apart and lost that "commonality" that we used to have. And our personalities are very, very different.

Life is like that. Think about your feelings, and whether you want to still be friends. Is it worth it, if you're always fighting?

[Janel]

Good answer, Filomena....

...my 2 cents.....
I don't know if your friend is male or female but, my daughter just broke off a friendship with her best friend (female) because this girl is a completely different person when she is dating! She is mean, spiteful, jealous, greedy and she is the sweetest thing when NOT dating....the whole "guy thing" just completely changes her. So, my daughter just let the relationship go--her friend chose the boyfriend which was totally her choice. My daughter misses her but feels it was worth it--she doesn't deserve to be treated poorly by a friend regardless of whether that friend is dating or not!

If your friend is male, my opinion is this: it is very difficult for men to carry on relationships with female friends when dating and especially when married. It complicates things for them drastically. Be a true friend to your friend and back off--give him space to develop his relationship with his girl. Even if you don't like his girlfriend, it is not for you to decide.... It IS hard, but the space will help him think more clearly and not be affected by the drama that 2 women in his life invariably produce!!

I don't know how similar this is to your situation, but it is important for you to do what keeps you healthy in heart and in spirit.
....good luck, sweetheart

[Clemmy]

These are good advices... Janel and Filo...!

My rational side would say: we just have to let go of friends because it is the most appropriate thing to do if the relationship is not working. It may be painful in the beginnig and it is easier said than done... but in life we can cope with this type of distress to some extand... aftewards it just becomes unhealthy and everybody loses.

My emotional side would reply: listen to your heart, think about your feelings and what this person means to you.

Bringing both sides together: It is a question of balancing what is good for you and what can hurt you... if you can make the relationship work ... great, otherwise let it go... no hard feelings, no fights, just let it go gradually.

Good luck!

[thecablegal]

Thanks for the advice guys. I've told them where to stick their friendship, after receiving some really nasty emails.